holding back
[27 September, 2004 typed at 4:22 p.m.]

why i treat this diary as a punishment to myself is beyond me, i look for excuses each and every day to not write, to let my feelings either be bottled and corked like wine or simply let them escape not to be brought up again until deja vu sinks in three years down the proverbial track

tacking a leap out of the alanis book (predictable) these excuses have kept me locked in, to myself - making me think i was once safe if i didnt let it be known how much i hate the world, using the fact that i had no internet access stop me, or the fret of people constantly looking over my shoulder or the feelings or hurt the close ones may feel, all to stop me in my quest to re-arrange magnitudes of thoughts right here.

i've sat back while family members fight, kick, scream, punch and claw their way under my skin and those around them - i've sat back while my own mind was constant overdrive in order to calm my emotions in fear of lost control and violent behaviour, i've sat back while thinking that my escape route would actually work and fly me the hell away from there.

i spent too much time dreaming of things to come instead of living in the right now, i spent too much time inhailing lead when i could've been talking to you wasting those days away, then the world would work full circle

and now as i sit here waiting, listening to big words pretending i know what they mean and that they play a significant part in this boys life

maybe i could place them on parts of my life, when friends tore each others hair out to be ranked and positioned, when a simple fact was turned on it's ass to be made a lie and for you to agree with the lie to save your own hyde...

when my entries were longer and unforgiving, about puppy eyed pacey's and catch 22's - where you could slit my throat, and with my last breath i'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt

is this all i've wanted to say?

is this all i ever will say?

and next time will i be so forgiving to my own self

or will i make more cuts to bleed out the pain im caused when i am in constant fear of the negativity you project onto me....

soon i will weed it out

"soon i'll grow up and i wont even flinch at your name"

away + towards