letting all of you know
[27 July, 2004 typed at 8:09 p.m.]

i look at my anger, the anger i get from my mum and dont you worry, i know it's fucking there and i know that about 3 times a month (or more) it rears it's ugly fucking head.....

and it's the little things, the little guestbook entries, the little outtings and you know why

because they have nothink to do with me, im so self centred - that you are NOT to have a life, no life, dont bother trying to even creat one, because if im not in it, near or cant taste it then there is no fucking chance that you will be able to continue with it

this is me, and you might look at me and say, well why the hell would you wanna write in a public diary that you are an ass, that you have a temper??

because it needs to be known - despite what everyone might think of me, this they can know for sure, i have a temper, i have a hidden temper and (as stated) the little things can set me off and it has done tonight, it fuelled in me for like a meesley two seconds

but it still fuelled

now dont get me wrong, i dont have a violent temper (i wouldnt dare after [violent] shit i've had to deal with in my life) mind you i have punched a few holes in walls (a few is like two) and i've had my fair share of cutting myself

my point is: my temper can get the better of me, even over two sencond instances, im sure you've gathered by now (and moreso in regards to my explosion) but i wish to say sorry - sorry to those who've been grudged against by it and those who will be grudged against by it, im mainly sorry to you (my love) for feeling it the most and even though there was nothink you did wrong, tonight after reading a guestbook entry you posted about your enjoyment at the (fucking) madonna concert, i was completely un-eased and destrought at the thought of you there

my problem to deal with and although we discussed it on the phone i still wish to apologise for my stupid and thoughtless actions

i wish to control it better (if possible)

i just wanted to prove my stupidity by letting others know about me (more)

and i wanted you to know although i do brush it off (and you never hear about it) when you do hear about it, it's the pettiest shit

(ala: the madonna shit, fuck madonna - cause thats how i felt)

there is no blame and if there was to be it would fall totally on my hairy shoulders, but for some reason i just cant let it slide, i know you are hurting, but you're having a good time while doing so

and i really cant handle that

done

away + towards