i loath you!
[19 April, 2005 typed at 5:52 p.m.]

So what the hell am i doing?

letting it all go to waste, but yet, all of what? What is it that i seem to want to/have to offer?
full of questions today this boy is....
last week i took time off work (a whole week of time) and in a sense it wasnt time off, because usually in "time off" you accomplish things that you wanted to accomplish, this [for me] did not happen.
so what's a boy to do? sit around watching 'wish my life's' pass me by? by staring at the television screen that contains fake people living the life i want....watching dawson get flustered over girls he's dated three times before, then after breaking up with his dream girl, kissing some movie critic two hours later? seeing the soulful josephine potter get all high and mighty in her words only to be turned into a gushing fool when the right boy comes along....
why do i sit there and take it, why am i sooo enthralled with this made up bullshit?
living in the same circle day after day, swapping boyfriends/girlfriends with-in the same group, never living outside the realm....
maybe im jealous, these people might be living my life, going through (with thier troubles) and doing what they wanted to do - yet i, i cannot!
i dont want to work there, i dont want to be held back in going to school, yes school! i look at my friends, going to york, going to mcmaster, going to the fucking school that they chose and me gritting my teeth, because no body whats to be in my shoes, no one is looking at me and thinking: "yeah, i would fly to a country by myself to do a job i dont like (that it seems like im forced to) to earn money i cant save, to not go places, to not move forward, to live in a pink bedroom, with no one beside me".
i saw an ad in the paper on the way to work yesterday, my eyes lit up (i could feel it)...it was 6:38 in the morning and i was sooo awake after seeing it, and it made me think about school, it made me think where i want to be, then i felt soo bi-polar, because i just sank, knowing that i couldn't do it, knowing that to go the school in the ad, would cost me a fortune because i'd be an international student....
i cant do anything here, i cant fucking move, and sometimes i dont think you see that, i know you are there and i know that you really do care, but i cant do anything right here.
i cant be sick, i cant not work at this job, i cant go to school, i cant drive, i cant accidently fall........im so limited right now, that im about to burst - but i cant, so i wont, i'll clog it upp, lift my chin and rise above the shit that im dealing with, the fucking beyond shit im dealing, that i cover (smile smile) everyday, the things i wont tell you are wrong, the things i doing my dammed best at hiding.
so lets both put up with nine hours a day, locked inside a cell, without talking, without music, without help - because apparently that's what it takes to moveon in this crazy world.

dawson's creek, thanks for bring the light to my eyes.....
when i was fifteen, you were there - a tv show, that made me think that i wasnt hard done by

when i was 21 you made me sick to think that life could be so compact and simple and troublesome and safe all in one, boys were vulnerable and girls were thinking too much.....
but i'll still watch (when i can)
so thanks

what a sad little pathetic loser, dork, lover, hater, procrastinater, bad speller, niave, musical, dim witted, dirty, handsom, traveler, sad sap, to busy thinking about one's self, fucker i am

enjoy your night!

away + towards