still surprising myself
[2004-02-16 typed at 10:36 a.m.]

~From What I've Seen

You're Just One More Hand Me Down

But No One's Tried To Give You What You Need

Lay All Your Troubles Down

I Am With You Now~

maybe it's time to stop mucking around, maybe it's time to stop looking at things that make you cringe because of the waste of life you spent on for more than two years, slowly letting it seep into your pores and take you from inside,poisoning your every dream and mocking you

maybe it's time to let them fall, let them deal in life not having you, maybe it's time to let the hatred go and trade it in for thoughts that never will again consist of that one person, who now when you look back - was actually a waste of breath like you had previously implied but taken back in fear of losing them

fuck losing them, dont lose yourself, dont lose yourself in your own life

they wont help you, they never did and they never will

the posetions that you keep are not a reminder of them, they are just a reminder of the past, and where you have been at those down times in your life when you thought you werent enough, when you never thought you could be happy as you,

being nine or ten, and dreaming of pure bliss as you become who you will be for the rest of your life, no bills, no worries, but do you have love?

were you happy with your job and a house etc...

was love a factor?

were you in love with yourself?

i never was

and i wasnt in the pictures either...

neither was i in the emails you didnt deserve

neither was i in the hugs i forced upon you

neither was i in the kisses that you left behind

maybe it's time to look back, and put your wasted hours behind me, maybe it's taken me way too fucking long, but guess what?

im there now

i love me

maybe it's time to open my eyes a little wider (or as wide as i can)

maybe it's time to grow up

~to whom do i owe the biggest apology?

no one's been crueler than i've been to me

i'm sorry to myself

my apologies begin here before everybody else

i'm sorry to myself

for treating me worse than i would anybody else~

away + towards