this is where it has to happen
[2003-01-31 typed at 1:31 p.m.]

truth

i would ask you for a map or directions, for i am lost

but for the fact that i have no idea where i am going, what knowledge of it would you have?

i am riddled driven, it seems that all that this world can offer me is patterns of destructive memories....

what do i offer myself?

comfort that my world will be fine, and that it may not collied with other peoples worlds, i can bearly hold my own, let alone crash into sumone else's

i am a dis-respectful child

i am outraged

i am put in my place

nothink like having a resume given back to you...

it seems i might not be 'that' material, i've never had that before....

and my world comes crashing down, to me be reduced to a ball, of mess...of faults, loss, self-lessness, distrusted thing - and the catch is, i deserve it!

every little inch of it, due to wrong actions that i can only look back on in 11 years and say..."fuck, i was a messed up 20 year old with no abition to life, or to search for my own little bit of well being"

false

i am good at what i do, and i hide it well, no longer....

i waste my life away, pissing off others, while lying in a light pool of my own summer sweat, because i dont want to move, or be motivated - because even though i dont like who i am, im too lazy to even try to do sumthink about it....

i like to think that i can be appreciated for the things that i spend lots of time doing (editing music, listening to music, analizing music - general me being!) these things that i dont get appreciated for, that will get me no where in life

and it always seems that i love to write about it here, where i can vent and not have to restrain in fear of hurting you (and the people who read this dribble) as much as i want to thank you, i want to slap you stupid for having time to even glace at this

*slap slap*

this mood is not going to get me anywhere (nor closer to you)

this mood is not at all constructive, if anythink destructive

at that is me on sooo many different levels.....dont ask me why, my mum cant even answer that, nor me

does this affect me all the time, does this show in my job prospect personality?

i this why i lack.....

lack....

lack depth, is that it?

lack momentum?

lack....you tell me, sumone tell me what i lack, and you will be praised for it....or maybe just hurt me more

this is self pitied victim

welcome to it

away + towards